I am one of the unlucky few who grew up without a Dad. I do not know how it feels to be a daughter to a Dad or to run to a Dad with my first heartbreak or when I was wronged. 

He left when I was 5, I remember crying my eyes out as I did not understand what was going on. My Mum and he had a fight and there was shouting - then there was silence. I remember standing in the hallway and my mum said "Your dad left." I know I could remember asking where he went, but I cannot remember what mum responded. 

Photo by Lina Kivaka from Pexels

I cried for days. I think to this day, I wish I never met him, I wish he never treated me well, I wish he never sang to me, I wish he never told me he loved me. How dare he. 

I don't regret where I am now as my husband, who may not be prefect, has shown so much dedication and love to our children. Makes me wonder, why my Dad could not do the same? I am not wishing that he stayed with my Mum, as to be realistic - it is hard to work on maintaining a relationship. 

I just wished he worked on at least being a Dad. I needed someone to guide me and tell me how to deal with boys and men being boys. I wanted him to tell me that it was okay not be perfect and that it was okay not to want the normal things in life and to be contented with who I am. 

I don't blame him entirely - but what if I had a Dad? Would I have never experienced being lonely, would I have never experienced getting pregnant when I was not ready or being in an abusive relationship? 

I remember my first panic attack, I was on my way to work and I did not know what I was feeling - I thought I was just nauseous. This was the time I had just left the abusive relationship I was in for 5 years.  I had no direction in my life and all I knew was that I needed to work to survive. I had no one to stand up for me or someone to tell me to fight back. I was in my early twenties and the world to me was a blur. 

Makes me think if all this emptiness is coming from the fact that I felt like there is a part of me missing. 

This isn't the main reason why I have a General Anxiety Disorder but I just cannot help but think, would I have a better brain if I had the guidance from a Dad. 

After, years of trying to find him in 2013 was the first and last time that I was able to speak to him as an adult. He missed 18 years of my life and the first thing he said was "I heard you are working and that you established, I don't have anymore money because I have diabetes." In my head, I was thinking You think I am calling you for money?? Then he says, "I need you to visit your Grandma in the Province."

The call ended with me feeling happy to hear his voice but disappointed as I wanted to tell him how much hurt I was feeling. He spoke to me like we had a conversation a couple of hours ago and not 18 years apart. I wanted to question him and ask him where was he when I was growing to become a woman, when I needed someone to tell me that I will be okay even if I did not have a boyfriend, I needed someone to rally for me - someone to pick me up from school and watch my school shows. But no, I did not have the chance. 

After the 2 very brief conversations - he never attempted to call me or contact me. I hated that I was carrying his name, I hated that I he was part of me and there was nothing I could do about it. Getting married, I changed my last name - just so that I can somehow be removed of the reminder that he existed. 

Now, I have no idea if he is living or not, I have added him on Facebook and messaged him but never has he acknowledged. Why do people like this exist? 

I am not saying that everything is his fault, but I still wonder to this day - if my life would be different if he was there. 

I watched and listened to the music video of Kenzie Ziegler - it hit home with how I felt. Wherever he is, I wish her father and my own, that you still are leading a happy life even if I am wishing that I did not have a you as a part of me.